Wednesday, November 7, 2012

What Kind Of Idiot Runs A Half Marathon Untrained?

What kind of idiot runs a half marathon untrained?  After running maybe 13 miles over the past three months?

This kind of idiot.  Obviously.

So, months ago, when things were pretty, before I ragequit running, I signed up for like, 400 races.  And systematically DNSed every single one.





So, this was a $30 trail half marathon.  And I was totally going to not show up, because that's how I roll these day.

But then, I got an email from Heather.  Heather is awesome and I love her and wish she lived closer.  Orange County may as well be a billion miles away when you factor in traffic.  Clearly, I live in hyperbole land today.  Anyway.  Heather emails me, asking me if I'm signed up for the Chino Hills Half.  Of course I am.  I'm signed up for everything.

So she signs up, too.

Crap, now I have to show up.

I guess the two weeks prior to the race where I didn't run further than across the street now counted as taper.

[Disclaimer:  Don't run long races untrained.  It's stupid.  I am a shitty role model, in case you haven't figured that out.  Seriously.  Train for your shit and rock it.  Or whatever.  I pretty much don't care.  Just don't half ass your fitness for three months then think you can run a half.]

So, I showed up.  And it was lovely.

I can not think of a single thing wrong with this race.  It was cheap.  It was well organized.  They had awesome food before, during, and after.  It was well staffed.  There was a long sleeve tech shirt and a medal.  It was goddamn beautiful the whole time (albeit hilly.  Shocking for a trail run, I know).

Stole this from Heather.

So, I neither died nor crippled myself for life.  Which really only reinforces my laziness, because look what I can do after doing nothing.  I mean, obviously I didn't PR.  I feel stupid even typing that.  I should probably delete it.  But I won't, because I'll lazy.  Everything I do in my life really just points to how lazy I am.  Anyway, I did fine.  That's not the point.

The point is I had an awesome time.  For me, a good race heavily rests on good company, and Heather is awesome.

Afterward I made it back home in time to catch the last hour of my weekly football game, trading trail shoes for cleats, and bragging about how amazing I am/explaining why I was so filthy.  (note:  I took an awesome picture of my feet after taking off my socks, but, um, feet are weird, so why would I force others to look at them unless I have a toe nail falling off and want to make everyone vomit.)

And then I went home and tore carpet out of my garage.

I was a little sore over the last few days, but I'd be concerned if I weren't.

The lesson learned here is:

1.  My body is awesome even when I don't put forth effort;
2.  Jesus fucking christ, Rose, if you actually, ACTUALLY, oh, I don't know, fucking TRIED instead of being a lazy sack of shit, you'd probably be a pretty good runner.  Not great, but pretty good.  If you can shit out a decent race with zero miles under your belt, you're pissing away some natural talent.  Fuck.

With that said, I'll go back to shitting all over everyone on FB who disagrees with me politically.  That's what I'm supposed to do, right?  Dance on the graves of the losers and lambaste the people who voted in opposition to the propositions I supported?


  1. Wow that is like the best type of that actually does something!

  2. LMAO, I read Heather's recap! You are such a softie...... Great job!

  3. I heard that race was a lot of fun. Plus, Heather really IS the best.

  4. Haha!!!! Yes! Best race report ever. I like your style... And why train when you are awesome on no training?

  5. I think you should show up at the Olympics untrained and see what happens.

  6. Why does LA have to be so giant and big??

    I'm so glad you didn't email me to cancel.

  7. Ok this was literally one of my favorite blog posts by far. BEST race recap, well, EVER! <3

  8. You're my favorite kind of idiot.

  9. If it's stupid to do a half marathon untrained, what is it to do a 30k untrained? Awesome, right? Right. Awesomer? Hannah is going to be at the same race! So I'll meet her before I die, but it'll be RIGHT before I die.

  10. Don't feel too badly. THIS idiot is running a marathon in 9 days and I'm so unprepared I believe I'll be walking at least 15 miles of it!

  11. If it's wrong to enjoy the satisfaction of running a race well with no training, then I don't want to be right.

  12. I caught that the lesson learned here is to fuck. I like it. Was there some trail running too?

  13. I have the most fun at races I've trained the least for. Just how it is.
    BTW - WHY WHY WHY did CA not pass 37??? I don't understand why more info for consumers is BAD. Please fill me in the negatives so I don't have to go read about it online somewhere (LAZY).

  14. I'm photoshopping myself in that picture of you two. Just an FYI.

  15. You're the most non-lazy lazy person I've ever (virtually) known. Seriously. I signed up to run a half earlier this month, and for a variety of reasons I couldn't do it, but mostly because I was supremely lazy and didn't train. At all. And wasted $80. That bothers the crap out of me and makes me want to sign up for another race and actually DO it, but I'm afraid I'll do the same damn thing. And the sad thing is that i have a stupid treadmill in my stupid garage, so I really have no excuse. Lame.