For reasons known only to that part of my brain that says "yes" a lot, I decided to review some Dove Conditioner. Dove Nourishing Oil Care Conditioner. "Helps protect hair from further moisture loss!"
While this might not seem out of character in general, that's only because I don't talk about my hair care much. Because it doesn't matter. But, since we're here: I don't use shampoo. Or conditioner. I spent a year washing my hair with baking sode, but I'm more lazy than hippie, so now I use Dr. Bronner's soap. And no conditioner. Because I am lazy and hate my hair.
I know, I know. You'd never know just looking at me that...who am I kidding. No one cares how you clean your hair, as long as it's sort of clean.
But I'll give you the run down of how I got there anyway.
I spend a shameful amount of time online. I'm not going to lie, it's straight up shameful. I have wasted lifetimes sifting through useless words and pictures. Which is how, years ago, I stumbled across an article about the no poo movement. Holy shit, what an awful name, right? But they mean shamPOO. No feces in this post. Okay? The basic hippie gist is that shampoo ruins your hair chemicals chemicals fish in the ocean. What I saw was "weird thing you can do to keep the curse of eternal boredom at bay." And thus launched a year of mixing baking soda in the show. It was tedious you guys. And then I got lazy and switched to Dr. Bronner's because it's still kind of hippie but super easy to use. I keep a cup in the bathroom, pour some in (for my hommies), add water, wash the hair. It works for everything. When I spent three months in Central America after college I used lavender Dr. Bronner's to wash my hair, body, and clothes, until my traveling companion led a one man revolution against it, because the smell was driving him insane.
Where was I? Oh god. Conditioner. Okay, so there's a faction of the no 'poo movement for ladies with curly hair: CO -- Conditioner Only. Go there for the deets, or hit me up if you're interested in the nitty gritty.
We're finally getting to the point!
So I was all "hey, I'll review that conditioner, while still staying true to my...who I am kidding. I have nothing to stay true to. I just like to explore the fringe. Anyway. So I've been using the shit out of a bottle of conditioner.
Here are my thoughts:
1. It makes my hair smell (good.) I've been using scent-free Dr. Bronner's, so this is unusual for me. After the first use, the moment my husband walked in the door he exclaimed "you smell like shampoo!" I'm an asshole, so I immediately correct him, because, dude, it's conditioner. Are you defective? But, yes. Smell. And it's a good smell, no question.
2. My hair is soft, yo. Laziness and apathy have led to years of not properly conditioning my hair. I don't care. It's passable. I'm not trying to land roles or a man. I look fantastic on a daily basis without primping, so whatever. But it means certain things fall by the wayside. So, soft hair. Whoa.
3. My hair looks dirtier faster. I'm going to say this is 85% due to me touching my hair more. "It's soft!" touch touch. "I can run my fingers through it!" touch touch. "I'm doing something different!" touch touch. The other 15% is because of science, I'm sure. Alternatively, conformation bias. Probably that.
So, you're reading this saying "Rose, you don't use conditioner in general. So how do I know THIS conditioner is better than some other conditioner, based on what you're saying?"
You can't. But that holds true for pretty much any review, right? (And I never got asked to review a product again...)
But, conditioning your hair in general is probably a good idea. My hair looks like shit normally (and I'm still adorable, but whatever). Thankfully I don't live somewhere with humidity, because the media informs me that can make hair act weird? Thrilling shit, right? Okay, back to the press release. "Patented Micromoisture Serum targets damage, repairing the surface of hair by sealing lifted cuticles." I don't know what that means. But I do know that MOST products say "Patent pending," because it takes for-fucking-ever for a patent to go through to government patent office. So that must mean this micromoisture shit was been in the works for a long time, and was worth dealing with all the hassle? Take from that what you will.
Um, a picture.
That's a pig's ear from Petco (where the pets go). And my hair. Thrilling, I know.
Promotion Prompt: Have you ever tried alternative methods for hair care? How did it turn out? (answer this question in the link below for a contest entry. Answer it again in my comments section so we can all learn from you or laugh at you.)
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Disclaimer: I will eventually get paid for this post, but all the opinions are mine. If you doubted that you totally did not read this post, because no one working in PR could come up with such shitty and half assed copy. Well, they could, but then they'd probably be fired. Also, all the money I'm getting will be put to good use. I'm cooking up some half giveaway half charity thing once I get paid, because let's face it, this blog is not, nor will it ever even remotely be how I make a living, so if I'm going to subject you the reader to this stuff, you may as well get something out of it. But, listen, if you win $1,000 because of this shit, I at least except a thank you card. Deal?