It's also been 19 days since my last run.
What the fuck happened?
I don't know.
I have some guesses. My blog had, for weeks leading up to my disappearance, been a journal of slow decline. I was mentally tired. I was frustrated. I was unmotivated.
Which is sad and funny, since I was doing really well physically. I was hitting my 400s. I smashed my 5k PR. I hit a long standing goal.
And I was miserable.
What the fuck happened?
The morning of the 4th I woke up ready to kill a virtual 5k. My legs were ready. I was going to own that bitch so hard so would be sore for weeks.
1.2 miles in to it I quit. I stopped the treadmill. I stormed through the house. I slammed doors. I was angry at myself for stopping. I had stopped...because I could. That was all. Because I could. Still angry I threw on my Garmin. "Fuck this, I'll do it on the street!" I thought.
NOT EVEN A MINUTE IN TO RUNNING I QUIT.
Holy shit, right?
More storming around the house. I was having a full blown fit at this point. So mad at myself. What the fuck was wrong with me.
Back on the treadmill. Five minutes on the nose I slam the "stop" button.
Done. Done with it ALL.
I quit running. Boom.
Sometimes was wrong, and it had been wrong for weeks. This wasn't one bad run. My legs weren't doing so bad. This was a mental glitch that I had been avoiding. My conniption fit was that glitch coming to a head.
I didn't like running anymore.
So, I stopped.
Listen. I know. Throwing a fit over running? Is ridiculous. This is not my job. This is not even a huge chunk of my life. I felt like a goddamn toddler. It was absolutely, totally ridiculous, how I acted. Being upset, whatever. Being angry, even, okay? Storming around the house because I was mad I quit a run early? WHO DOES THAT.
Me. Jesus fuck. This is what my running decline had done to me. This is what I had done to myself.
Three days later I sheepishly entered my gym. My trainer was going to be soooooooo mad at me, right? I told him and he nodded. He knew it was coming. He was not surprised. I had been falling apart for weeks he said.
Damn.
So, the last three weeks have been filled with a whole lot of not running. I skipped two races. I went on a quick vacation to Northern California, where I did manual labor, swam in rivers, square danced, and drank a lot of beer.
I kept waiting for the gentle tug of the open road. I do love running, right? So I'll eventually come back to it?
The tug never came.
But 19 days is a long time. I was losing my cardiogainz.
So last night I nutted up, laced up, and headed out.
And I ran 15 miles faster than my half marathon goal pace!
Just kidding. That's stupid.
I jogged 3 miles. I didn't hate it. I stopped to walk and text people on my phone a lot. Whatever. That's all the victory I need right now.
I still don't know how to go about fixing what was broken in me. Too much pressure? Not enough sleep? I don't know. I can only hope that being aware of it from the onset will help mitigate any damage. I want to like running. I want to run like the wind through the hills of all time. I want to casually lace up and run 15 miles because I can.
That's part of the issue. Do I want to run a sub-40 10k? I mean, sure, I'd love to run all the races hella fast and be some sort of legend. But do I REALLY want it? I don't know. Right now my running goals, the ones in my heart, are all stupid. Run a half marathon faster than someone I know, to be a dick. I decided it would be fun to run a 5k over the duration of NoFX's The Decline, but I don't think I have an 18:19 in me. It would just be cool to run a whole race over the course of a fucking awesome song.
Anyway, I'm back-ish. I'm sorry for worrying some of you. I got some really sweet comments and emails while I was on my break.
I assume some of you have dealt with this before. So, anyone want to wallow in comisery? I'll also take advice. Unless it's "just go run more." You can leave that advice at home, yo.
What the fuck happened?
I don't know.
I have some guesses. My blog had, for weeks leading up to my disappearance, been a journal of slow decline. I was mentally tired. I was frustrated. I was unmotivated.
Which is sad and funny, since I was doing really well physically. I was hitting my 400s. I smashed my 5k PR. I hit a long standing goal.
And I was miserable.
What the fuck happened?
The morning of the 4th I woke up ready to kill a virtual 5k. My legs were ready. I was going to own that bitch so hard so would be sore for weeks.
1.2 miles in to it I quit. I stopped the treadmill. I stormed through the house. I slammed doors. I was angry at myself for stopping. I had stopped...because I could. That was all. Because I could. Still angry I threw on my Garmin. "Fuck this, I'll do it on the street!" I thought.
NOT EVEN A MINUTE IN TO RUNNING I QUIT.
Holy shit, right?
More storming around the house. I was having a full blown fit at this point. So mad at myself. What the fuck was wrong with me.
Back on the treadmill. Five minutes on the nose I slam the "stop" button.
Done. Done with it ALL.
I quit running. Boom.
Sometimes was wrong, and it had been wrong for weeks. This wasn't one bad run. My legs weren't doing so bad. This was a mental glitch that I had been avoiding. My conniption fit was that glitch coming to a head.
I didn't like running anymore.
So, I stopped.
Listen. I know. Throwing a fit over running? Is ridiculous. This is not my job. This is not even a huge chunk of my life. I felt like a goddamn toddler. It was absolutely, totally ridiculous, how I acted. Being upset, whatever. Being angry, even, okay? Storming around the house because I was mad I quit a run early? WHO DOES THAT.
Me. Jesus fuck. This is what my running decline had done to me. This is what I had done to myself.
Three days later I sheepishly entered my gym. My trainer was going to be soooooooo mad at me, right? I told him and he nodded. He knew it was coming. He was not surprised. I had been falling apart for weeks he said.
Damn.
So, the last three weeks have been filled with a whole lot of not running. I skipped two races. I went on a quick vacation to Northern California, where I did manual labor, swam in rivers, square danced, and drank a lot of beer.
I kept waiting for the gentle tug of the open road. I do love running, right? So I'll eventually come back to it?
The tug never came.
But 19 days is a long time. I was losing my cardiogainz.
So last night I nutted up, laced up, and headed out.
And I ran 15 miles faster than my half marathon goal pace!
Just kidding. That's stupid.
I jogged 3 miles. I didn't hate it. I stopped to walk and text people on my phone a lot. Whatever. That's all the victory I need right now.
I still don't know how to go about fixing what was broken in me. Too much pressure? Not enough sleep? I don't know. I can only hope that being aware of it from the onset will help mitigate any damage. I want to like running. I want to run like the wind through the hills of all time. I want to casually lace up and run 15 miles because I can.
That's part of the issue. Do I want to run a sub-40 10k? I mean, sure, I'd love to run all the races hella fast and be some sort of legend. But do I REALLY want it? I don't know. Right now my running goals, the ones in my heart, are all stupid. Run a half marathon faster than someone I know, to be a dick. I decided it would be fun to run a 5k over the duration of NoFX's The Decline, but I don't think I have an 18:19 in me. It would just be cool to run a whole race over the course of a fucking awesome song.
Anyway, I'm back-ish. I'm sorry for worrying some of you. I got some really sweet comments and emails while I was on my break.
I assume some of you have dealt with this before. So, anyone want to wallow in comisery? I'll also take advice. Unless it's "just go run more." You can leave that advice at home, yo.
Last night was the first spin class I've been to since I stopped teaching in May. I won't lie...I didn't love it. I was disappointed that it wasn't like crack. I'm not hooked. Right now, I'm using climbing to work out instead of teaching. Call it cross training, but I think sometimes we need absence to remind us (eventually) why we loved what we loved in the first place. Or maybe sometimes we realize we just don't love it anymore, and that's ok too. I say embrace the slump and find something else to rock at for a while. If it's meant to be, you and running will get back together eventually. If not, well, it was fun. that whole "if you love it let it be" thing. Or in the words of Wayne Campbell, "I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be."
ReplyDeleteNothing would make me hate running more than trying to get faster constantly and stressing about goal paces. I like to just run however the fuck fast I feel that day. I recommend my method.
ReplyDeleteI think you should concentrate on distance versus speed. And then run ultras. In MD. With me.
Dude, I was the same way a month before Seattle. I was just over running, and was DEFINITELY over a fucking training plan. And then I proceeded to not run a ton. And I lived.
ReplyDeleteBut dude, last night, I ran that trail race, and it was GLORIOUS.
We should meet up for some trail miles. Slow, hilly, dirty.
Don't say hella.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely been there, done that one. Sometimes you just need a break. Find something else and go play that for awhile. Maybe it'll come back to you and maybe it won't, but either way is okay.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I really love right now is weight lifting. And, quitting running brought some joy back to that. So, that's something...
DeleteSo f'ing relatable! Been there! I ran myself right into a rut. All my goals were just "be faster, run farther" and I ran, ran, ran till I kinda sorta injured myself while trying to pick up the god awful pace(to me) I was maintaining to pass some other chick.
ReplyDeleteBeing forced to take 4 weeks off other than super short jogs on the treadmill didn't stoke my running fire. It totally smothered it. I didn't want to go back to running. And I haven't.
At least not the way I used to run, tracking miles and splits obsessively to see how much faster or slower I was going. It was unhealthy and not fun. Sorta like weighing myself: Any number not in the direction I was wanting to see, improvement, was going to make me feel like shit about myself. Like I wasn't good enough, and never would be. I felt like a failure. Never mind that I wasn't a runner a 1.5 years ago, AT ALL, and now I was regularly running 5-8 miles, and sometimes 16, on trails.... So when I did go back out to run 4 miles, I didn't track or time any of it. It felt great to be free.
I'm heavily into weightlifting now, and am fighting to just do my own thing and not get obsessed with numbers like I did with running. Will I continue to run? For sure. But never EVER like it was before.
The upside is, you didn't quit exercise entirely. I love weight lifting. I'd told my trainer, once we hit this running goal of his, and we're in a better gym situation, I want to go back to lifting heavy. I want to bench press my body weight and be able to knock out 20 strict pull ups without batting an eyelash. I hope you're able to keep joy in your weight lifting.
DeleteThe thing about running is...you read on the internetz how awesome it is and how much everybody fucking loves it. People don't write enough about how much it sucks and hurts and frankly, half the time, is really damned boring.
ReplyDeleteNot like weightlifting is less boring, but it feels so bad ass. When I hurt my shoulder I couldn't do all kinds of stuff. I'm getting back into it, and today I was chest pressing...the bar. So that's something.
I guess I'm saying do what you enjoy and as a reader, I'll think you'll pretty cool no matter. Life sucks a lot, and the older I get the more I realize it's a matter of finding something in the moment that you can enjoy and trying not to hurt everybody around you too much. If running fast doesn't do that for you, then fuck it.
Wow. We have had the same month. I quit that shit straight up. I had the same gradual decline, and BOOM. I just didn't give a shit about it. I kind of felt like so much of it wasn't worth it. Why did I like doing this previously? I loved running. I loved the SHIT out of it. Next thing I know, I can barely sum up the motivation to run two miles. I think sometimes you just need a break. You just have to stop, redirect, and try again. I've really started enjoying lifting more, and doing more strength training. I like to run too, but I'm going to try not to make it my main work out. I think running is just a bitch, and a bitch will start to wear on you!
ReplyDeleteLike your trainer, I kinda sorta almost saw this coming....I say this only because you are a uniquely intense athlete, kind of a perfectionist. You give it your all so often! It is a lot of pressure. Too much pressure. I think I can handle 1-3 pressure-filled workouts per month, and that IS IT. The rest are relaxed, or else, I would grow to hate running.
ReplyDeleteThe day you quit and ran around the house cursing -- next time that happens, just jog slowly, and walk as often as you like. Going from zero to 6:20 pace is not going to make your body or your brain happy some days! Sorry for kind of giving advice. I understand what your going through, but I murdered the perfectionist in me years ago....
I MISSED YOU! I noticed your absence. I quit the track 3-4 weeks ago too, so I was kinda glad that your uber amazing speed wasn't reminding me how lazy I was
I'm glad you're back and everything is okay! My guess is that maybe you lost sight of running just for the fun of it. I don't know about you, but once something that I enjoy becomes too intense or starts to seem like an obligation or a source of stress, I'm done! It defeats the whole purpose when it gets to that point. My advice is to get back into running slowly, without your watch, and maybe in some new places and/or with other people. Being able to explore some new trails or chat with friends along the way might help you appreciate why you liked running in the first place, and take away the focus on the more stress-inducing aspects of it, like pace and distance.
ReplyDeleteThis is excellent advice. I think you're pretty spot on with your assessment. I need to learn to run for the fun of it again.
DeleteGlad you are back, sorry you're having a rough go of it. I really like your blog though, so if you keep posting about whatever you're interested in going forward, I'm pretty sure to read it. Good luck sorting through this! (I have no advice because I only run as part of a pretty low-stress fitness rotation.)
ReplyDeleteWell I think because I saw you posting on twitter I didn't realize you hadn't blogged in a while.
ReplyDeleteDo you want to run faster?
Do you want to fun farther? aka ultra's?
Like the above poster, I would ditch the watch AND treadmill.
Don't worry Rose you will get your mojo back soon, I have faith AND I tagged you in my blogpost today!
ReplyDeleteYay!! I'm so happy to see you post again. You're one of the bloggers I really live to read, you're not all pretentious and uppity and only post pictures of your perfect house and perfect clothing and perfect hair and perfect body. You're real (but a bit higher up on the awesome scale than many!) and I live that.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice on the mojo. I've been looking for mine for a while. I was pretty sure I found it a couple weeks ago, and then I got sick. I should go looking for it again. Reading your posts always makes me feel like u should go out and do something.
Love to read. Not live to read. I'm not crazy, really.
ReplyDeleteI wondered where you were. Not enough to actually email you and ask if you were ok, bc I'm kind of a self-involved beyotch, but yeah. I'm glad you're back.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I think. I don't think you said it completely up there, and maybe I'm reading into it bc I kinda think you're a lot like me only skinny and blonde and fast and completely ridiculous genes. But other than that. You like things for the experience, you like to just be able to go out and do it. And making a job of it, making a hard and fast goal where you can't necessarily just BE...that kind of sucks. For me, anyway. Nothing makes me as unhappy as turning down awesome stuff bc of "the plan". And maybe I'll never find out what I'm capable of because of my inability to focus, but at least I'm not missing out on some of the fun-nest things ever.
Anyway, welcome back. The Internet has missed your ass, I'm sure.
Been there done that. Only took me 2 years to get back into the game mentally....
ReplyDeleteI feel about five minutes away from a toddler tantrum myself, so I probably shouldn't give you any advice. I am gonna try to start sleeping more than four hours a night.
ReplyDeleteFrankly I'm kind of jealous! I mean you had a fit, you got away, you got to sort of recharge and think about stuff. And then you came back!
ReplyDeleteI pretty much need this marathon to be over becuase I'm freaking exhausted all the time. It's like it is a 2nd job and I am over it all! Maybe I can freak out and go to Northern California and swim and drink beer.
This is unrelated to running, but I think you need to go to Vegas for my wedding. And bring Heather with you. And Or can come, too! Me? Bridezilla? No. ....
I can't give advice on the running stuff - because if I could give it to you then I'd give it to myself right now. I have ZERO motivation to do ANYTHING.