Happy Halloween!

I was supposed to try to run 20 slow miles last night.

I didn't. Instead I cleaned the house, ate a Five Guys burger (without making a single bukkake joke), did loads of laundry and dishes, and uploaded 855 pictures.

Why so many pictures?



My husband and I throw a Halloween party every year.

This year we were Aquaman and Macho Man Randy Savage.





No, we did not hold a party in Dexter's house (I don't want the show, so I assume he kills people in his house? Maybe he has a special murder storage unit? I would.). Every year my brother Sky builds a photo set, using his fancy pants "I'm a photographer" camera and lights.

Sky was a zombie. His wife was Alice from Resident Evil.



My niece came as a lady bug.



We made some gross/delicious food.









We also decorated the living room.







To give you a side by side:

Normal -----------------------------------------------------------------Halloween



People seemed to be having a good time.











I had a GREAT time.















Halloween is hands down my favorite holiday. I love seeing how creative people get. I love pushing my own creativity. I spray painted the shoes (I found them at Ross for $8). The green pants came from ebay. The top was a children's ballet top. Apparently they don't make orange ones in adult sizes. I cut out the neck and zipper, painted the bottom black, and my husband drew on the scales. The pads of my feet still hurt from those shoes. I had to keep sitting down because they hurt too much to stand around in. I don't know how people do it. Build up immunities, I guess.

I love hosting Halloween every year, because all my friends parade their awesome costumes in front me, and all I have to do is feed them gross things and take their pictures. Everyone wins.

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I'll probably try to run 20 miles tonight. ha ha ha.

I'm A Wizard

Last night I ran 20 miles with an average pace of 8:15 per mile.

Okay, I'm lying.

Yesterday after work I went to Fredrick's of Hollywood (for my costume), Toys'r'us (for my husband's costume), and the grocery store. Then I made dinner. Then I watched tv until bed. This week's Psych episode slayed me. The person who won Project Runway was a disappointment.

Today my butt feels normal.

So, here's my plan:

I'm supposed to get a 20 miler in this weekend. The past two long runs have been cut way short or canceled. Which doesn't bode well in general.

So, this Sunday, I'm considering dragging my hung over (since it will be the day after my Halloween party) ass onto my shitty treadmill, and slowly see how far I can go before my hip hurts or I stab myself in the face with a pencil out of boredom. Sure, I can google ways to "stay entertained on the treadmill!!! happyface!!!" and then post them here as though any of them are revolutionary. Watch TV! Um. Duh. Are you fucking kidding me.

Anyway, that's my current half baked plan. Which means, to best prepare myself, I shouldn't run today or tomorrow, either. Let my butt really rest up.

And, since I can't run, I get bored. And when I get bored, I dress funny.



It works to my advantage today.

Backstory: A good quarter of my wardrobe was purchased for hilarity's sake. Fake fur coat? Check. Jeggings? Check.

Moon boots? Check.



I also acquired the knit half shirt thing at a clothing exchange. Because it's hilarious.

I'm going on a snow bunny expedition to the moon.



Gravity is different up here.



I don't know why, but they almost look like ponies to me. Yes, I acknowledge that doesn't make any sense, but this is my fucking blog and I can write crazy shit if I want to. Boomerang ting tang FOOD.



I also busted out my newest jacket, finally. I'm pretty sure it has shoulder pads in it. That I need to remove. Otherwise I need to figure out a more flattering way to showcase my star studded shoulders.



My fingers are delicious.



The End.

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Um, yeah, it's going to be better for everyone when I can run normally, without a stupid pulled muscle lingering like a cabbage fart gone wrong. If I'm sidelined any longer I'm going to start shopping online for an over sized leather backpack I can drag around everywhere.

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Saturday night my husband and I are throwing our annual Halloween party. I threw my first Halloween party the year I met him, and we've thrown one ever since. We've had the party in many different places, with numerous people co-hosting (at least, back when we both had roommates). Every year is amazing for one reason or another. There are always impressive costumes, delicious (creepy) food, too drunk people (sometimes/often me), and too many pictures. This year is shaping up to be no different. I'm very excited, and exhausted already. I still have a few things to build/paint/glue for my costume, but I have everything I need. We have a ton of decorating left to do, a lot of gross food to prepare, and a closet full of way, way too much alcohol.

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I was very athletic in high school. Well. Ish. I played soccer all four years. Varsity, but it doesn't count because we only had one soccer team, and barely enough girls for that. I was good. For our team. Which was pretty much the worst team in the league. I'm still going to brag that I was team captain and top scorer my senior year. Big fish, very small pond. Being "good" for our team didn't take much effort.

My senior year I also joined the wrestling team. This was not some great feat. Again, barely enough people to make a team. No try outs. No cuts. Everyone gets to wrestle. Which was awesome, because there was no way I could have made the team. A good wrestler's build is short and stocky, and I was tall and gangly. I actually put on a fair bit of weight during wrestling season. I was the first time I was truly, truly challenging my body. I was doing things I never would have thought possible. Jogging laps around the mat while carrying the heavyweight across my shoulders. It was amazing. It was possibly the best shape of my life. It's hard to tell. I had nothing to compare it to. I'm in pretty good shape now. But I'm older. But I don't smoke anymore, so I have that advantage. Anyway, I was in excellent shape, but I was still a shitty wrestler. I didn't have the upper body strength, I was going up a weight class, instead of dropping weight, because the three weight classes below me were full, so my options were wrestle a few pounds up, or figure out how to drop 15 pounds before every meet. Which wasn't physically possible. The bonus was, I never had to worry about making weight. The downside was, I was up against guys who were usually 10lbs heavier than I was. I never did beat a guy. I came close once, and might have got him on rematch, but I broke my nose during the tournament. Lame. I beat every girl I wrestled, but there weren't many, and none of them were good.

Anyway. I was in good shape in high school.

And then I went to college and took up heavy drinking and heavy smoking and gave up on all forms of exercise. And then I graduated from college and took a job sitting on my butt for a few years.

And then my boyfriend dragged me to the gym, and I dropped pounds with seemingly zero effort, and was hooked. I got a personal trainer. I started running. And, with brief breaks, I haven't looked back.

So, I have a history of fitness, and a history of laziness.

And it is really easy for me to slide into either one.

I meet with my trainer twice a week. This is easy. Sure, what he makes me do is hard, but going is automatic. It's a shock when I end up *not* going. It's ingrained in my schedule. Easy.

Running fluctuates. When I was training for the tri, it was easy to do everything I needed to do, because I had a concrete schedule, and someone telling me to stick to it, and checking in to make sure I did. When I don't have anything I'm training for, it's easy to not run for a week, because it's chilly, or I want to go home and watch tv, or I'm too lazy to do laundry and my favorite running pants are finally filthy enough that I can't re-wear them.

And, the longer I don't run, the harder it is for me to want to run again.

And that's what I'm afraid of.

Not wanting to run.

Because man, that's a tough feeling to shake.

That's all I've got today, folks.

My Hips Don't Lie

Last night I was feeling good, so I went for another run.

1 mile brisk walk warm up
all my stretches
3 miles averaging 10min/mile (slower and faster at the beginning and end)
more stretching

And I felt good. No pain. Twinges near the end, but I slowed things back down to Tuesday's pace and they went away. [FORESHADOWING]



I don't know why I'm making a crazy face.



Still making a crazy face.



Thaaaaat's better.

If you think that's scary, check out the spider I almost ran into (then stopped to take a picture with because that's why phones have cameras) during last night's run:



To calm you all back down, here is a picture of my butt.



In a fit of sweaty something I took a series of "flexing for the camera in my sports bra" pictures, but in the light of day I'm too embarrassed to post more than one. I settled on this one, because it shows off my beautiful California tan (I've been to the tanning salon six times this week. Do you think I'm getting ripped off? I'm desperately trying to get that orange glow to fit in with the other ladies down here, but it doesn't seem to be working.)



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So, I woke up this morning at 6:30am. Thank you cat. Thank you neighbor's gardener. Thank you...pain...in my butt?



So now I'm sitting on a heating pad. The dog keeps looking at me like he wants to know why I'm refusing to take him for a walk. It's because I hate him, but shhhhhhh, don't tell him that.

So, pain. My trainer is out sick, so I'm taking another full on rest day. If it goes away today, I'll run tomorrow. Slower. With more stretching. Playing this thing by ear. Well, no, my ear feels fine. Playing this thing by butt.

tl;dr: I Ran And It Didn't Hurt

Yesterday my trainer had a scheduling conflict, and couldn't meet up with me. I asked him if I could try running a bit on my own to test out my butt. He gave me the go-ahead, as long as I fully warmed up, took it SLOW, stretched a BUNCH, and stopped if things hurt.

I decided to merge my warm up with my pet-owner-duties, and walked the dog at a semi-brisk pace (with pauses for him to eat poop and stare at stray cats). I made a mental note that I was moving faster than I had on Thursday, when walking quickly on the treadmill hurt. And I had no pain. Score.

We did a mile loop, landing me back at home to stretch in private, so I wasn't doing skyward pelvic thrusts for the world to see.

I ran through my six stretches (which I will outline later in this post, in case you are just DYING to know), taking my time, trying to relax in to each stretch.

And then I headed out the door.

I took the same one mile loop, this time at a slow, slow jog. I played with the pace a bit. If I went too fast I could feel my butt muscle twinging. As it was, I was ridiculously aware of the muscle. It was always *there*. That is more a product of my paranoia than actual injury, I'm sure.

I don't know what my pace was. If I tried to track it I would have tried to push it.

I finished the mile loop, ducked back into my house, and ran through my stretches again, a little quicker.

I clocked another two miles this way.

3 miles ran.



Now, I'll admit, they weren't amazing miles. I wasn't expecting them to be, speed wise, but the gates of Valhalla did not open up for me and crown me their viking queen because I could run again. I did not weep tears of joy at the knees of Panacea and Hermes.

No one likes being injured, but I can't say I didn't enjoy the forced race. My natural state is one of extreme laziness. My peers don't believe me because I run and work out, but I do these to fight my natural state (and to be able to carry ALL the groceries in from the car in one go).

Anyway.

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The Stretches

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, regardless of what my email says. My trainer is not a doctor. You are probably not a doctor. My dog is a doctor, but it's a ph.d, so it doesn't count. And I'm probably doing these stretches poorly because I am carved from the wood of an inflexible tree. That fable about the oak tree and the reeds or something, with a lot of wind and the tree falls over because it can't bend or something? They wrote that about my great great grandfather. Who was a tree. I swear. A lot. Frequently. And sometimes around children. What?

1. Bridges. Aka thrust your pelvis to the sky. Aka when my trainer assists me with these sometimes he kneels too close to me and it feels awkward, but not in a bad way.

Lie on your back with your knees bent so your feet are right under your butt. Slowly thrust your pelvis to the sky like you're humping a ghost in an 80s workout video. Hold at the time for a beat. Repeat 10-15 times.



2. Touching Your Toes Like A Normy. Aka I have never ever ever in the history of Rose been able to successfully do this stretch. Aka I hate people who can touch their foreheads to their knees and wrap their elbows around their toes or whatever. It's not normal.

If you have never heard of this stretch then you probably shouldn't be doing it anyway so I'm not going to describe it. Except to say that on a good day I can reach past my knees. All these pictures were taken during my cool down stretching, when my body was most flexible. Which means this is the absolute best I can do. Yup.




3. Something Something Ballet Something Something. To be fair, I never pay attention to what my trainer calls things. I usually name things myself. This is "The Ballet Thing, Right?" My back should be flatter, and my legs are probably positioned wrong.




4. The Belt Buckle. Aka another pelvis thruster. My trainer's description for this is "pretend you have a belt buckle on. Tilt your pelvis so your belt buckle would be looking up at the sky." People who wear belt buckles are weird, apparently. This one feels really awkward to do in public, but feels really good.



5. Put Your Leg Up On Something, Bend At The Hip, and Point Your Toe Toward You. aka at least TRY to do that. My trainer makes fun of me when I make these faces during stretching, and now you can, too!



6. Butt Muscle Stretch. All the previous stretches were hold overs from my "my back hurts!!!" days. This is the newest in my "I should be doing these even when I'm not injured but that's not going to happen" routine, and hits the injured muscle directly. I don't know what it's called. I don't know if I'm doing it "right." All I know is, my way stretches out the muscle, and holy crap feels good. As long as I don't fall over.



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A few weeks ago the cat peed on the bed a few times, in retaliation for a few different things. So now, after we wake up, we cover the bed with a sheet of plastic left over from when we remodeled the house a bit. She doesn't care (but, she hasn't peed the bed since).



In an effort to get the cat to not live under the bed 99% of the day, we bought baby gates to separate the cat and dog. The cat likes to sit on her sit and mock the dog. The dog likes to look sad an pathetic.



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I was good about cooking and eating most of this week, low sodium by home cooking is the easiest way to go, but last night my husband offered to get El Pollo Loco on his way home from work. For those of you not in the know, El Pollo Loco is crazy, crazy (heh) good grilled fast food chicken. We may or may not have served their chicken at out wedding. It's delicious, okay?

So, sodium went out the window. And it was delicious.

But, that means I didn't cook last night, which means I don't have leftovers for lunch. And trying to eat a lower sodium lunch (I'm serious about not wanting to be bloated up for Halloween, you guys. My costume is REALLY tight) while eating out (heh) is tough. Subway is out, because I will only eat the super shitty salty meats. Mexican is out because it's a minefield of sodium goodness.

See, this is why I eat whatever I want most of the time. SO much easier.

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I asked for, and received permission to run again today. I'll probably follow the same routine. Maybe one fewer stretching session. We'll see. I want to be smart about this, but I don't want to enable my laziness. Fine lines here, people. And listen, being lazy is fine, but I've half assed two marathons already. It's probably time to try to a time that's not completely mortifying, you know?