Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Bachelorette: Episode 5 -- Recap and Workout

Booty camp was pretty weak this week. I added in 10 jumping jacks per "Bentley," which amped things up. But I didn't ever break a sweat.

This is how I look when I watch the show.

Previously, on The Bachelorette...

Cheat Sheet:

Ames: finance. yale. foreskin eyes. 39 marathons. brought her ballet tickets? when are they supposed to go? // Pussy concussion.

benjamin/ ben f: winemaker. shaggy hair. lou diamond phillips. dead dad. brought wine out of the limo. // bow tie at the rose ceremony. Less deformed face than constantine.

constantine: medium hair. dental floss ring. // Wander the streets date. "don't try to win." // Honest about not having super strong feelings for her

JP: construction. shaved head. "cupcake" Looks like Breckin Meyer. // kissed // pajama party one-on-one, niiice arms.

Lucas: [I never wrote anything down about him. Clearly, he left an impression] // Oh, this guy officially exists. And pumps oil or something? His neck is really thick. Divorce. Ashley's interviewing him like she has a job position. // Plays golf?

Ryan P: solar power guy. brought a camera for just out of the limo. Kind of cute. First impression rose. // kissed after he massaged her broken ego.



mickey: chef. good grammar. tried to kiss her straight out of the limo. ewwww. // second one on one date in vegas. Dead mom. Coin flips. Very hot. Kissed // Still really, really hot. Has a birth mark on his back. I want to lick it. // Self eliminated.

Blake: DENTIST. called Ashley a fruit.



This week, on The Bachelorette, Bentley returns, and I'm craving cardio, so, every mention of Bentley? 10 jumping jacks. Prepare to die.

Oooh, Hong Kong. I was there when I was 16, and it was pretty awesome.

Oh, look, Ashley is in another boyfriend shirt. Shock me shock me shock me.

Chris Harrison knocks on Ashely's door. I've seen porn that started this way. Too bad this is not one of them. Instead, it's the Bentley hour. Oh, God, she's crying. As least Chris Harrison is trying to push her in the right direction, without, you know, actually TELLING HER he's the douchiest douche who ever douched.


Exercise time!

60 jumping jacks (thank you Bentley)

10 push ups

10 curls

Trying to capture a jumping jack on camera is HARD.


That was pretty much exactly a commercial break. Score!

Ashley has a really well defined chin. I'm jealous.

The editors are doing a good job of cutting out background music for "dramatic" moments. Enjoying it.

She meets Bentley at his hotel room. They kiss. AWESOME. She is so pathetic. He has a very yellow room.

He's all "tell me everything but before you do that I'm going to talk about me." hahaha.

He's still playing the whole "it was hard for me too." And she still thinks they belong together. If I liked Ashley this would be painful to watch, but hating her, it's just delicious to watch her pouring her heart out to this guy who laughed behind her back.

Oh god, Ashley used the term "vay cay." I FUCKING HATE THAT TERM.

I'd like to say that Bentley came clean and Ashley stood up for herself, but you guys, that's not what happened. They both pussied out. It did allow Ashley to move on, but she did NOT grow a backbone.

Her anger in the talking heads later came from nothing that happened between them, at least from what we were shown. I have an inkling that production finally showed her his talking heads, now that he was officially off the show.



5 tricep dips

10 crunches

40 jumping jacks


Previews tell me that the Bentley drama isn't over. Yes, he's gone, but drama remains with the guys.

Date card. Does Ames wear make up? It really looks like he does.

Ryan looks like he should be attractive. All the features are there. But he's not.

Lucas has a one on one date.

Um, who is Lucas? Oh, the oil guy. Still don't know balls about him

Hong Kong at night is just as overwhelming at it looks. Only it smells much much stronger.

At least she's no longer calling cultural differences "cute." That was clearly bugging me.

"Look at the street market. They're selling things." Man, this girl is retarded.

I do like that they're eating funky things, like neon orange pig intestine. I'd eat that.

As far as I can tell, they are eating broccoli, potatoes, and some sort of meat on their date. You are fucking in HONG KONG. Eat the local food!!!

Oooh, he called his first marriage "the love of my life." Not good.

She still gives him the rose.

Here's what I think is going on: Now that she's over Bentley, JP is her number one. So, she's bringing with her the guys who seem harmless, and dropping the guys who rival JP. Their first make out session just lacks the passion. It seems like they want to like each other, but...nah.

"One of the most romantic nights of my life." HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA. That's sad.



20 push ups

10 jumping jacks


Group date time!

Dragon boat racing. That sounds AWESOME.

They have to recruit strangers to help them on the boats. The introvert in me is dying inside. Then again, I don't think introverts go on this show.

I love that she put the two guys who look the same on the same team. It makes it easier for all of us. As soon as they put on the red robes, I couldn't tell them apart. They thought the slogan they were chanting was "eat it," but it actually meant "idiot," which makes me think very highly of whoever gave it to them. Props to you random chinese person.

Ames and Mickey win, which makes sense, with Ames being an endurance athlete, and the fact that they recruited a professional row team. HAHAHAHA.

Someone gets engaged on the beach next to the group date. $20 says the producers set that up.



5 burpees

5 push ups

10 jumping jacks

Pie and cake, yo.


Ames just said "totally unique." He is grammatically dead to me for the rest of ever. You cannot modify unique.

They are, as he put it, taking the relationship to a knew level, by making out in the elevator. Ha ha ha.

Okay, how do these people kiss without rubbing their hands all over each other. When I make out with Mickey I won't be able to keep my hands off him. Don't worry, I have a feeling my husband doesn't read these summeries. And if he does, don't worry baby, I'd never actually leave you for a reality tv whore.

Speaking of whores, Ashley is making out with everyone tonight. Which doesn't make her a whore. Yes, she's a dumb whore, but this isn't why.

It's the "Everyone Hates Ryan" show again. Been there, done that, wrote the recap.

The dudes were all "if Ryan gets the rose I'm walking out of here." It sounds a lot like "if Bush wins the election, I'm moving to Canada!" No one is leaving.


It's a commercial break, but I didn't write anything down. Probably because it was boring.


One on one date with JP. She jumps into his arms and kisses him.

Oh, and she's wearing a see through boyfriend shirt. Does she own anything else?

Also, she's bowlegged. The pro-ana folks must appreciate that, since it means her thighs don't tough.

Oooh, she asks "when was the last time you cried." He says "my ex." Great answer. It says "I am sensative, and I love deeply." Yeah, they're in tv-love.


Another commercial break. I have 20 jumping jacks and that's it, so I'll save them for the next commercial break.


Yup, she has a raging hard on for JP. She's telling him a painful truth. And he's taking it like a man. Now man out, bitches. I like watching people make out. Awwww, she used his full name while giving him the rose. And see, hands on each other while making out. That's how people do it. They touch each other.



50 jumping jacks.

Tucking your chin down is really fucking unflattering.


Cocktail party time.

She tells the dudes she finally got Bentley closure, and they call her out on her taking so damn long and not talking about it.

Blake just jumped on to my "I love this guy" list. He's all "so, let me get this straight. You had a raging hard on for this dude, even after he left, so him coming back to see you must have been awesome for you...unless it went poorly." BURN.

So she goes and hides and cries. And the guys are like "WHAT THE FUCK?" Except JP, who is all "guys, shut up and be here, or drop out." Because he's in looooooooooooooooooooove.

Lucas is so pissed that he's cursing. Will he give her back the rose? That would be AWESOME.

Ames definitely has make up on. There's no other explaination. He also said some lame/kind of cool stuff about fairy tales.


Commercial break, but not enough of a workout, so I'll save the moves for the next break.


Blake throws out "could care less." Another death via poor grammar. Could NOT care less. If you could care less, why don't you?

Mickey tells me he feels like she lied to everyone by pining for Bentley. Then he tells her "if you wanted a guy like Bentley, SEND ME HOME." And then he eliminates himself. Which puts him high on my "would actually bang even though he's been on a reality tv show" list. That man is fiiiiiiiiiiiine. Call me!

She breaks down and cries to the remaining guys "I felt guilty because I knew what I was doing was wrong but how dare you have any negative feelings for that wrong thing I did!" Way to be a bitch, Ashley.

Chris Harrison's all Rational Smackdown. I'd also bang Chris Harrison. Let's be honest. He's an awesome puppet master when he needs to be. And he says my name ALL THE TIME.

Blake gets sent home. He was the only other super vocal one (without a rose, Lucas goes next week). So, no shock there. I guess they won't have dentist babies.



5 crunches

40 curls

30 jumping jacks

I'm out of relevant pictures. Sorry.


Did you watch this week? Do you hate Ashley? Does anyone out there still like her? Do you think JP is the final 1?

A Fail Boat Afternoon

My outfit today was fun.

Rock out with your socks out.

I quickly changed into a running outfit. It was sunny enough for a hat. And, this top is short enough that I don't think I'll be wearing it again.

It makes my ass look 40 feet tall. Still fantastic, but 40 feet tall.

I tried to run the dog two miles, but he pooped out after a mile. Wuss. Okay, the sidewalk was probably pretty hot.

Afterward, I was ready to dust my bike off.

Which meant a wardrobe change.

Do these padded shorts make my butt look big? Because it feels like I'm wearing a diaper.

Meet my bike. It's way nicer than I deserve.

But, oh man, those bike shorts. Sitting on a cloud, riding the wind.

Except, my bike tires seemed a little flatter than they should be. I searched through the garage for my bike pump, but it's a death trap in there.

So I threw my bike in the back of my car and headed off to the bike shop.

It was closed. What kind of bike shop closes at 6pm?

Not cool. So, I drove to the other bike shop. And they were open!

I scored a sick bike pump. I took it home and tried to use it.

Either I'm retarded or the tubes are leaking. Both are very highly likely.

All I ended up with was dirty hands.

I'll drag my bike to the better shop on Friday and apologize for being retarded.


Do you ever wonder if your dog thinks you're retarded? (ALL THE TIME)

What is your go-to dinner choice when you're too lazy to actually do anything?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Ooops, I Bought Moon Boots

So, I have a problem. I have a compulsive need to buy really messed up stuff I see in thrift stores. Remember when I bought that OJ Simpson dress?

So, anyway.

Only the boots are new. I owned the rest. Okay, it's my husband's light saber. But that makes it half mine.

So, what does one wear with moon boots?

Should I run a Nike sponsored marathon on the moon?


What is the strangest thing you've even bought for hilarity's sake?

Tuesday's Garage Workout, Etc

Today's outfit:

Workoutfit. Yes, it's what I wore to run the dog this morning. Yes, it smelled. No, I don't care.

This is how I stand while I'm waiting in line at the bank. I don't know why. But, it does make tree pose in yoga pretty easy for me.

So, it looks like every Tuesday workout will take place in a garage. This bodes well for sweaty pictures, because the garage does not have AC. I'm both excited and terrified.

But, I love working out in the garage, because we're limited to the basics. It's all barbells and kettlebells. It's my kind of show.

But, first, we talked about some fucked up shit, yo.

"I'm looking forward to watching you shit your pants." This is actually an email I just sent him. We're both trying to get in the Tosh.0 marathon next week. My trainer said he'd shit his pants while running to get on tv. Could it be any clearer why he is the perfect trainer for me?

"Ask him if he's mined her brown eye yet." He was asking if one of the EMTs had nailed his girlfriend yet. I said I didn't know. He elaborated that you can't just ask boring questions. You have to go for it, full throttle.

"Nut up and shut up." This was his advice to me when I was trying to do a clean with a weight heavier than I was used to.


The Exercise

10 minute warm up jog on the treadmill

x4 (65lb barbell)
12 bench presses
10 regular bad ass deadlifts

And, apparently, my form is pretty awesome. And with no mirrors. So stoked.

We worked on cleans for a while with the barbell, but switched to doing kettlebell cleans. I don't know how many we did, because we'd talk about form and muscles and crap, then I'd do some, then we'd talk about form and move up to a heavier weight.

Then we worked on something with a name I forgot that involved a swing-to-press. I was having a hell of a time figuring out the movements. It's hard with stuff like this, since I can't just slow motion it. I watched my trainer do the movements a ton before I finally got it. And I did, I nailed it. Right when time was up for the day (he had another client warming up, otherwise we would have stuck with it).

It was a great session. I don't know what it is about kettlebells, but I fucking love learning stuff with them. It just feels bad ass, throwing this giant heavy ball around. Very primal. Rrrraw and all that.

After the workout, I was STOKED.

It must have been a combination of the feeling of sweat trickling down my butt and throwing around heavy shit, but I felt fantastic.

I ran to the grocery store on the way home, and picked up a post workout snack of carrot juice and raspberries.

This is what I grabbed for dinner. Cooked meat, raw meat, spinach, and fruit. My brain kind of died inside the grocery store.

We put the raw meat away for later, and added in some mangos and leftover raspberries (Who am I kidding, there were no leftover raspberries, which is why I bought two containers), and ate this:


What's your favorite berry?

Do you like carrot juice? I LOVE IT. I could probably drink it until I turned orange.

What did you have for dinner last night?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Early Morning Run and Goals

So, my dog's kind of an asshole. I mean, sure, he's cute, who come on, who wakes up at 6:30am? We certainly don't. But, the dog does.

Today was my day to deal with the dog, and let my husband sleep in. Ug.

The upside was, after half an hour of being awake, my body was finally ready to pound some pavement.

We went out for a one mile walk to stretch out. My legs are still majorly sore from the slip and slide. So are my abs. It hurts to cough! I'm pretty sure that's 50% hurling myself at the ground for half the night, and 50% laughing so hard I choked on my drink repeatedly. I have very hilarious friends. One of the EMTs kept belly flopping into the kiddy wading pool. WHILE I WAS IN THE POOL.

Anyway, we started our one mile warm up when we ran into Marnie, a woman who lives down the street. We talked and let our dogs play, then walked for a while, chatting about the neighbors, about rescuing dogs. The downside (for an introvert) of having a dog is it encourages people to talk to you. The upside is, you always have a topic of conversation: dogs. Plus, Marnie is easy to talk to. I did not want to bolt and hide. Very nice woman.

We ended up walking a little over a mile together.

After we parted ways, I got a slow but solid two mile jog in with Cooper. It was getting pretty hot by the end, and we were both tired and panting. That didn't stop him from trying to lick all the sweat off my legs. Dogs are weird.

My husband was awake by the time I got back, so I enlisted him in picture taking.

I still had to take the pit picture myself. No pit stains, but I was still pretty sweaty for two miles.


I also managed to capture the slip and slide elbow bruising on camera finally.



This might have been a turning point for me in the morning exercise. Outside of races, I normally can't handle running in the morning. All the exhaust and harsh morning smells kick in my gag reflex.

But, the husband is planning on starting to get up earlier. And, there's no point in me getting to work earlier, since I still have to stay until 5pm. So, I might start getting all of my non-training workouts out of the way in the am. This might get me working out more in general. I've been pretty slackerly as of late. Need to fix that. Mostly, I need to hone in on a goal.

I have three things I'd like to do:

1. Mt. Whitney in a year. I'm putting together a team of awesome (well, trying to). It means lots of Mt. Baldy practice hikes, and applying for proper permits. I have some Air Force guys who want me to tag along on a 15 day John Muir Trail hike in 2013, and I need to hit Whitney before then as proof that I'm capable. This is only abstract now. It will certainly get more defined as time goes on. But, it's hard to figure out what I can do immediately for it, though.

2. 100 mile bike ride. Maybe. I mean, I have bike shorts now. And a fucking badass bike. And I need a *reason* to ride it. Maybe. The longest I have ever ridden on a bike was 26 or something miles, whatever the biking distance of the Nathan Tempe Tri was. And it was pretty awful. But, I didn't train as much on a bike as I should have, and it was a shitty bike. So, there's that. I'm trying to con the EMTs into teaching me how to function on a bike. I'm trying to plan a long ride with them, and the conversation is usually me: What should I bring? Them: We'll take care of everything. Such good guys.

3. I think it would be nice to finish a triathlon without hating it. I've started three, and finished two. I got pulled from a tri in Napa after the swim because I was one of the only people retarded enough to not wear a wet suit, and they thought I had hypothermia. Awesome. The other two, well, one was a sprint I did on a mountain bike, without knowing how to use the gears, and the other was the Olympic tri in Tempe, which was awful and heart breaking and the only time I've actually injured myself while exercising. So, it would be nice to have a good triathlon memory. My mom is coming to town next month, and she wants to do some swimming and biking as exercise, to go easy on her joints. I'm trying to con my local friends into picking a tri, so I have a reason to do these things.

Clearly, I am not a self directed learning.


Are you a morning person?

What are your current fitness goals?

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Bachelorette: Episode 4 -- Recap

No Booty Camp, since I'm a week late, and sore all over from the slip and slide, so this is just a recap.

Previously, on The Bachelorette...

Cheat Sheet:

Ames: finance. yale. foreskin eyes. 39 marathons. brought her ballet tickets? when are they supposed to go? // Pussy concussion.

benjamin/ ben f: winemaker. shaggy hair. lou diamond phillips. dead dad. brought wine out of the limo. // bow tie at the rose ceremony. Less deformed face than constantine.

Blake: DENTIST. called Ashley a fruit.

constantine: medium hair. dental floss ring. // Wander the streets date. "don't try to win." // Honest about not having super strong feelings for her

JP: construction. shaved head. "cupcake" Looks like Breckin Meyer. // kissed // pajama party one-on-one, niiice arms.

Lucas: [I never wrote anything down about him. Clearly, he left an impression] // Oh, this guy officially exists. And pumps oil or something? His neck is really thick. Divorce. Ashley's interviewing him like she has a job position. // Plays golf?

mickey: chef. good grammar. tried to kiss her straight out of the limo. ewwww. // second one on one date in vegas. Dead mom. Coin flips. Very hot. Kissed // Still really, really hot. Has a birth mark on his back. I want to lick it.

Ryan P: solar power guy. brought a camera for just out of the limo. Kind of cute. First impression rose. // kissed after he massaged her broken ego.



ben c: new orleans. speaks french. // very attractive. // Flash mob date. Kissed.

william: "bad luck" dead alcoholic dad. dead dad watch?? did impressions. SUper adorable impressions. // Gets the first date of the season. Vegas. Gets the rose on the date. Kissed. // Slays her in the roast, cries, giant pussy.

nick: personal trainer. shaggy curly blond hair. poem. // Taught her a dance at the rose ceremony.


Long Ass Wall Of Text Recap

Better late than never, right?

Last week's The Bachelorette! If anyone still cares!

Man, Thailand looks pretty. I love the crazy pink kitty seats on their bus.

I'm pretty sure Ames is the only person who has EVER been on this show who knows anything more about Thailand than "THAILAND!" I don't know if this speaks poorly of the show, or poorly of Ames for being on such a stupid show.

I never realized William was so short. No wonder he tries to be the funny guy.

Oh, look Ashley is in YET ANOTHER shirt dress. I mean, it's cute, but jeez, switch up your wardrobe. Hey, Chris Harrison is wearing the same shirt! They are TWINSIES.

Even with my cheat sheet I'm looking around thinking "who the fuck is that?" Some of these guys have no personality. Either that, or the editors hate them for some unknown reason.

Ben F (aka the pretty twin/wine maker) gets the first 1-on-1 date of the episode.

Ashley walked out, and it as like...*crickets* At least, that's what it looked like. Maybe they're all tired, but it seemed like no one gave a shit. I'd gladly jump in at this point. Mickey, who has had zero screen time, is looking miiiiiiiiiiiiiiighty fine in the background. I want to play with his hair.

I'm not even pretending like I'm tallying up stuff to exercise to this episode. It's Monday. Another episode airs in two hours. I think I'll be okay with exercise for the week. And, if you're waiting on me to exercise, well, it sucks to be you.

Ben F is wearing a red shirt, and Ashley is wearing a pink shirt. It's hard to look at. The show's stylist should be shot. Maybe I'm just tired of looking at her.

That market looks amazing. It's so colorful. The food looks delicious. I hope they eat something fucked up.

OH MY GOD SHE SAYS THE DUMBEST SHIT. I don't know at what point I started hating her, but I do. I hate her.

They're painting umbrellas. Poorly. Which should be endearing, but I hate her.

Oh, man, their conversation is awkward. And weird. Mental kiss? These people are fucking retarded.

It's hilarious that she keeps having to refer to him as "Ben F." They keep talking about how "romantic" things are and how much "chemistry" they have, and I am seeing DICK in terms of chemistry. She even gives him the rose and they're not making our or anything. Flash back to the previous episode where she dry humped JP on the beach. Yeah.

Finally, they kiss, and it's these lame little closed mouth kisses, like when you're on a bad third date on a baseball game and the kiss cam flashes on you. If you're really hot for someone, and they kiss you, you're crawling all over them. Whatever.

Group date time. A fighting date. All of the previews of someone getting hurt? SHOCKING. YOU ARE MAKING MEN FIGHT SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET HURT. Jesus fucking christ.

I'm looking forward to seeing Mickey shirtless though, I'll admit. NOthing beats shirtless sweaty guys. Nothing.

Why isn't Ashley working out with the guys? YOu have an opportunity to work out with fucking world class power house and Ashely is just standing around going "he he he." Can't you do push ups, Ashely? I can do push ups. My MOM can do push ups.


How come none of these guys have chest hair? What does the world have against chest hair? Give me Tom Selleck any day of the week (plus, hello, mustache ride). My trainer shaves his chest, too. And arms. And legs. I make fun of him a lot. To his face. Because I'm an asshole.

But, seriously. Back to the fight. Wait, wait, the personal trainer doesn't box? That's too bad. It's my favorite thing to do in training.

Ashley claims she didn't want anyone to get hurt on this date. Um, how do you think guys win/lose? Is she actually a moron?

Hello mickey. Did you guys see his chest? And arms? And how he totally beat JP's ass? That was awesome. Oh, wait, sorry, JP just ate a can of spinach and beat mickey's ass. I'll console you Mickey. And my husband will do body shots off your chest.

And now it's time for Ames to get sent to the ER. Because we all saw the pink shorts in the previews. And all they've been focusing on is Ames not being good at fighting, and Ames slipping. Subtle.

So, he gets hit in the head a few times. Concussion?

OOoh, we get to see some of the camera crew. That's a fucking awesome job. YOu get to make fun of all these idiots and go to exotic locations.

Ashley is concerned so the medics take Ames away. That's IT????????? Lame. ZZzzzzzzz.

Mild concussion. Boring. I am tired of hearing the name Ames. How is that even a name?

2-on-1 date time. There is no way to describe this date without making it sound like:

1. An awesome time in the sack
2. Two girls one cup

Don't google #2 at work.

I'm calling it right now: She sends them both home. They showed a picture of her burning a rose in the previews, as well as both guys talking shit about the other.

I think William is making up lies about Ben C. To give him that "edge." Okay, this guy is a douche. He's pretty hot, but, yeah, short and not actually funny. Two strikes you're out. Hey, this isn't baseball, this is "would Rose bang this dude in an alternate universe when she would bang dudes who tried to pick up ladies on a dating tv show.")

Ashley believes William, and is all BOOM BEN C BYE BYE. And Ben's all "um, that's a big steaming pile of lies." Oh, wait, "I think that person knows I was joking around." SO he did say it. HAHHAHAHHA. What a fucking moron. Like other guys wouldn't use it against him.

William looks so self satisfied. I'd looking forward to her wiping that smirk off his face. And then her falling int a fire pit and being horribly mutilated for life. Just for fun.

This show brings out the worst in me. I mean, I'm not a bad person most of the time.

William says: "I'm a 30 year old boy. I still have a lot to do." Double whammy kiss of death. Translation: "I will never take responsibility/do the dishes. I will cheat on you and hide it poorly."

And then she burns the rose.

Cocktail party time. Wait, there's fucking 30 minutes left? Jesus. What the hell am I going to have to put up with for 30 minutes?

Oh, 30 minute low self esteem pity party. She's even questioning JP. YOU ATE HIS FACE OFF LAST EPISODE.

Jesus fuck it's all about Bentley. That's ten minutes of my life I won't get back. Well, I guess the whole show is like that.

Imagine if I ran for an extra two hours every week instead of watching this? Or cleaned my house? Or read comic books? But no, instead I waste two hours of my life every week on this crap. I should be more ashamed than I am.

Nick goes home. He's a personal trainer, but his hair is awesome, so I don't care.

(Okay, William was pretty funny in the bonus clip during the credits. I'll give him that)


Quick, before this week's episode airs on the west coast and I go on a Bentley induced rampage, what did you think of last week's episode??