The Bachelorette: Episode 5 -- Recap and Workout

Booty camp was pretty weak this week. I added in 10 jumping jacks per "Bentley," which amped things up. But I didn't ever break a sweat.

This is how I look when I watch the show.



Previously, on The Bachelorette...

Cheat Sheet:


Ames: finance. yale. foreskin eyes. 39 marathons. brought her ballet tickets? when are they supposed to go? // Pussy concussion.


benjamin/ ben f: winemaker. shaggy hair. lou diamond phillips. dead dad. brought wine out of the limo. // bow tie at the rose ceremony. Less deformed face than constantine.


constantine: medium hair. dental floss ring. // Wander the streets date. "don't try to win." // Honest about not having super strong feelings for her


JP: construction. shaved head. "cupcake" Looks like Breckin Meyer. // kissed // pajama party one-on-one, niiice arms.


Lucas: [I never wrote anything down about him. Clearly, he left an impression] // Oh, this guy officially exists. And pumps oil or something? His neck is really thick. Divorce. Ashley's interviewing him like she has a job position. // Plays golf?


Ryan P: solar power guy. brought a camera for just out of the limo. Kind of cute. First impression rose. // kissed after he massaged her broken ego.

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Graveyard.



mickey: chef. good grammar. tried to kiss her straight out of the limo. ewwww. // second one on one date in vegas. Dead mom. Coin flips. Very hot. Kissed // Still really, really hot. Has a birth mark on his back. I want to lick it. // Self eliminated.



Blake: DENTIST. called Ashley a fruit.

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RECAP!!

This week, on The Bachelorette, Bentley returns, and I'm craving cardio, so, every mention of Bentley? 10 jumping jacks. Prepare to die.

Oooh, Hong Kong. I was there when I was 16, and it was pretty awesome.

Oh, look, Ashley is in another boyfriend shirt. Shock me shock me shock me.

Chris Harrison knocks on Ashely's door. I've seen porn that started this way. Too bad this is not one of them. Instead, it's the Bentley hour. Oh, God, she's crying. As least Chris Harrison is trying to push her in the right direction, without, you know, actually TELLING HER he's the douchiest douche who ever douched.

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Exercise time!



60 jumping jacks (thank you Bentley)

10 push ups

10 curls


Trying to capture a jumping jack on camera is HARD.

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That was pretty much exactly a commercial break. Score!

Ashley has a really well defined chin. I'm jealous.

The editors are doing a good job of cutting out background music for "dramatic" moments. Enjoying it.

She meets Bentley at his hotel room. They kiss. AWESOME. She is so pathetic. He has a very yellow room.

He's all "tell me everything but before you do that I'm going to talk about me." hahaha.

He's still playing the whole "it was hard for me too." And she still thinks they belong together. If I liked Ashley this would be painful to watch, but hating her, it's just delicious to watch her pouring her heart out to this guy who laughed behind her back.

Oh god, Ashley used the term "vay cay." I FUCKING HATE THAT TERM.

I'd like to say that Bentley came clean and Ashley stood up for herself, but you guys, that's not what happened. They both pussied out. It did allow Ashley to move on, but she did NOT grow a backbone.

Her anger in the talking heads later came from nothing that happened between them, at least from what we were shown. I have an inkling that production finally showed her his talking heads, now that he was officially off the show.

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Exercise!



5 tricep dips

10 crunches

40 jumping jacks







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Previews tell me that the Bentley drama isn't over. Yes, he's gone, but drama remains with the guys.

Date card. Does Ames wear make up? It really looks like he does.

Ryan looks like he should be attractive. All the features are there. But he's not.

Lucas has a one on one date.

Um, who is Lucas? Oh, the oil guy. Still don't know balls about him

Hong Kong at night is just as overwhelming at it looks. Only it smells much much stronger.

At least she's no longer calling cultural differences "cute." That was clearly bugging me.

"Look at the street market. They're selling things." Man, this girl is retarded.

I do like that they're eating funky things, like neon orange pig intestine. I'd eat that.

As far as I can tell, they are eating broccoli, potatoes, and some sort of meat on their date. You are fucking in HONG KONG. Eat the local food!!!

Oooh, he called his first marriage "the love of my life." Not good.

She still gives him the rose.

Here's what I think is going on: Now that she's over Bentley, JP is her number one. So, she's bringing with her the guys who seem harmless, and dropping the guys who rival JP. Their first make out session just lacks the passion. It seems like they want to like each other, but...nah.

"One of the most romantic nights of my life." HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA. That's sad.

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Exercise!



20 push ups

10 jumping jacks







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Group date time!

Dragon boat racing. That sounds AWESOME.

They have to recruit strangers to help them on the boats. The introvert in me is dying inside. Then again, I don't think introverts go on this show.

I love that she put the two guys who look the same on the same team. It makes it easier for all of us. As soon as they put on the red robes, I couldn't tell them apart. They thought the slogan they were chanting was "eat it," but it actually meant "idiot," which makes me think very highly of whoever gave it to them. Props to you random chinese person.

Ames and Mickey win, which makes sense, with Ames being an endurance athlete, and the fact that they recruited a professional row team. HAHAHAHA.

Someone gets engaged on the beach next to the group date. $20 says the producers set that up.

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Exercise!

5 burpees

5 push ups

10 jumping jacks

Pie and cake, yo.

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Ames just said "totally unique." He is grammatically dead to me for the rest of ever. You cannot modify unique.

They are, as he put it, taking the relationship to a knew level, by making out in the elevator. Ha ha ha.

Okay, how do these people kiss without rubbing their hands all over each other. When I make out with Mickey I won't be able to keep my hands off him. Don't worry, I have a feeling my husband doesn't read these summeries. And if he does, don't worry baby, I'd never actually leave you for a reality tv whore.

Speaking of whores, Ashley is making out with everyone tonight. Which doesn't make her a whore. Yes, she's a dumb whore, but this isn't why.

It's the "Everyone Hates Ryan" show again. Been there, done that, wrote the recap.

The dudes were all "if Ryan gets the rose I'm walking out of here." It sounds a lot like "if Bush wins the election, I'm moving to Canada!" No one is leaving.

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It's a commercial break, but I didn't write anything down. Probably because it was boring.

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One on one date with JP. She jumps into his arms and kisses him.

Oh, and she's wearing a see through boyfriend shirt. Does she own anything else?

Also, she's bowlegged. The pro-ana folks must appreciate that, since it means her thighs don't tough.

Oooh, she asks "when was the last time you cried." He says "my ex." Great answer. It says "I am sensative, and I love deeply." Yeah, they're in tv-love.

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Another commercial break. I have 20 jumping jacks and that's it, so I'll save them for the next commercial break.

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Yup, she has a raging hard on for JP. She's telling him a painful truth. And he's taking it like a man. Now man out, bitches. I like watching people make out. Awwww, she used his full name while giving him the rose. And see, hands on each other while making out. That's how people do it. They touch each other.

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Exercise:

50 jumping jacks.

Tucking your chin down is really fucking unflattering.

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Cocktail party time.

She tells the dudes she finally got Bentley closure, and they call her out on her taking so damn long and not talking about it.

Blake just jumped on to my "I love this guy" list. He's all "so, let me get this straight. You had a raging hard on for this dude, even after he left, so him coming back to see you must have been awesome for you...unless it went poorly." BURN.

So she goes and hides and cries. And the guys are like "WHAT THE FUCK?" Except JP, who is all "guys, shut up and be here, or drop out." Because he's in looooooooooooooooooooove.

Lucas is so pissed that he's cursing. Will he give her back the rose? That would be AWESOME.

Ames definitely has make up on. There's no other explaination. He also said some lame/kind of cool stuff about fairy tales.

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Commercial break, but not enough of a workout, so I'll save the moves for the next break.

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Blake throws out "could care less." Another death via poor grammar. Could NOT care less. If you could care less, why don't you?

Mickey tells me he feels like she lied to everyone by pining for Bentley. Then he tells her "if you wanted a guy like Bentley, SEND ME HOME." And then he eliminates himself. Which puts him high on my "would actually bang even though he's been on a reality tv show" list. That man is fiiiiiiiiiiiine. Call me!

She breaks down and cries to the remaining guys "I felt guilty because I knew what I was doing was wrong but how dare you have any negative feelings for that wrong thing I did!" Way to be a bitch, Ashley.

Chris Harrison's all Rational Smackdown. I'd also bang Chris Harrison. Let's be honest. He's an awesome puppet master when he needs to be. And he says my name ALL THE TIME.

Blake gets sent home. He was the only other super vocal one (without a rose, Lucas goes next week). So, no shock there. I guess they won't have dentist babies.

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Exercise:

5 crunches

40 curls

30 jumping jacks

I'm out of relevant pictures. Sorry.

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Did you watch this week? Do you hate Ashley? Does anyone out there still like her? Do you think JP is the final 1?