No Booty Camp, since I'm a week late, and sore all over from the slip and slide, so this is just a recap.
Previously, on The Bachelorette...
Ames: finance. yale. foreskin eyes. 39 marathons. brought her ballet tickets? when are they supposed to go? // Pussy concussion.
benjamin/ ben f: winemaker. shaggy hair. lou diamond phillips. dead dad. brought wine out of the limo. // bow tie at the rose ceremony. Less deformed face than constantine.
Blake: DENTIST. called Ashley a fruit.
constantine: medium hair. dental floss ring. // Wander the streets date. "don't try to win." // Honest about not having super strong feelings for her
JP: construction. shaved head. "cupcake" Looks like Breckin Meyer. // kissed // pajama party one-on-one, niiice arms.
Lucas: [I never wrote anything down about him. Clearly, he left an impression] // Oh, this guy officially exists. And pumps oil or something? His neck is really thick. Divorce. Ashley's interviewing him like she has a job position. // Plays golf?
mickey: chef. good grammar. tried to kiss her straight out of the limo. ewwww. // second one on one date in vegas. Dead mom. Coin flips. Very hot. Kissed // Still really, really hot. Has a birth mark on his back. I want to lick it.
Ryan P: solar power guy. brought a camera for just out of the limo. Kind of cute. First impression rose. // kissed after he massaged her broken ego.
ben c: new orleans. speaks french. // very attractive. // Flash mob date. Kissed.
william: "bad luck" dead alcoholic dad. dead dad watch?? did impressions. SUper adorable impressions. // Gets the first date of the season. Vegas. Gets the rose on the date. Kissed. // Slays her in the roast, cries, giant pussy.
nick: personal trainer. shaggy curly blond hair. poem. // Taught her a dance at the rose ceremony.
Long Ass Wall Of Text Recap
Better late than never, right?
Last week's The Bachelorette! If anyone still cares!
Man, Thailand looks pretty. I love the crazy pink kitty seats on their bus.
I'm pretty sure Ames is the only person who has EVER been on this show who knows anything more about Thailand than "THAILAND!" I don't know if this speaks poorly of the show, or poorly of Ames for being on such a stupid show.
I never realized William was so short. No wonder he tries to be the funny guy.
Oh, look Ashley is in YET ANOTHER shirt dress. I mean, it's cute, but jeez, switch up your wardrobe. Hey, Chris Harrison is wearing the same shirt! They are TWINSIES.
Even with my cheat sheet I'm looking around thinking "who the fuck is that?" Some of these guys have no personality. Either that, or the editors hate them for some unknown reason.
Ben F (aka the pretty twin/wine maker) gets the first 1-on-1 date of the episode.
Ashley walked out, and it as like...*crickets* At least, that's what it looked like. Maybe they're all tired, but it seemed like no one gave a shit. I'd gladly jump in at this point. Mickey, who has had zero screen time, is looking miiiiiiiiiiiiiiighty fine in the background. I want to play with his hair.
I'm not even pretending like I'm tallying up stuff to exercise to this episode. It's Monday. Another episode airs in two hours. I think I'll be okay with exercise for the week. And, if you're waiting on me to exercise, well, it sucks to be you.
Ben F is wearing a red shirt, and Ashley is wearing a pink shirt. It's hard to look at. The show's stylist should be shot. Maybe I'm just tired of looking at her.
That market looks amazing. It's so colorful. The food looks delicious. I hope they eat something fucked up.
OH MY GOD SHE SAYS THE DUMBEST SHIT. I don't know at what point I started hating her, but I do. I hate her.
They're painting umbrellas. Poorly. Which should be endearing, but I hate her.
Oh, man, their conversation is awkward. And weird. Mental kiss? These people are fucking retarded.
It's hilarious that she keeps having to refer to him as "Ben F." They keep talking about how "romantic" things are and how much "chemistry" they have, and I am seeing DICK in terms of chemistry. She even gives him the rose and they're not making our or anything. Flash back to the previous episode where she dry humped JP on the beach. Yeah.
Finally, they kiss, and it's these lame little closed mouth kisses, like when you're on a bad third date on a baseball game and the kiss cam flashes on you. If you're really hot for someone, and they kiss you, you're crawling all over them. Whatever.
Group date time. A fighting date. All of the previews of someone getting hurt? SHOCKING. YOU ARE MAKING MEN FIGHT SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET HURT. Jesus fucking christ.
I'm looking forward to seeing Mickey shirtless though, I'll admit. NOthing beats shirtless sweaty guys. Nothing.
Why isn't Ashley working out with the guys? YOu have an opportunity to work out with fucking world class power house and Ashely is just standing around going "he he he." Can't you do push ups, Ashely? I can do push ups. My MOM can do push ups.
How come none of these guys have chest hair? What does the world have against chest hair? Give me Tom Selleck any day of the week (plus, hello, mustache ride). My trainer shaves his chest, too. And arms. And legs. I make fun of him a lot. To his face. Because I'm an asshole.
But, seriously. Back to the fight. Wait, wait, the personal trainer doesn't box? That's too bad. It's my favorite thing to do in training.
Ashley claims she didn't want anyone to get hurt on this date. Um, how do you think guys win/lose? Is she actually a moron?
Hello mickey. Did you guys see his chest? And arms? And how he totally beat JP's ass? That was awesome. Oh, wait, sorry, JP just ate a can of spinach and beat mickey's ass. I'll console you Mickey. And my husband will do body shots off your chest.
And now it's time for Ames to get sent to the ER. Because we all saw the pink shorts in the previews. And all they've been focusing on is Ames not being good at fighting, and Ames slipping. Subtle.
So, he gets hit in the head a few times. Concussion?
OOoh, we get to see some of the camera crew. That's a fucking awesome job. YOu get to make fun of all these idiots and go to exotic locations.
Ashley is concerned so the medics take Ames away. That's IT????????? Lame. ZZzzzzzzz.
Mild concussion. Boring. I am tired of hearing the name Ames. How is that even a name?
2-on-1 date time. There is no way to describe this date without making it sound like:
1. An awesome time in the sack
2. Two girls one cup
Don't google #2 at work.
I'm calling it right now: She sends them both home. They showed a picture of her burning a rose in the previews, as well as both guys talking shit about the other.
I think William is making up lies about Ben C. To give him that "edge." Okay, this guy is a douche. He's pretty hot, but, yeah, short and not actually funny. Two strikes you're out. Hey, this isn't baseball, this is "would Rose bang this dude in an alternate universe when she would bang dudes who tried to pick up ladies on a dating tv show.")
Ashley believes William, and is all BOOM BEN C BYE BYE. And Ben's all "um, that's a big steaming pile of lies." Oh, wait, "I think that person knows I was joking around." SO he did say it. HAHHAHAHHA. What a fucking moron. Like other guys wouldn't use it against him.
William looks so self satisfied. I'd looking forward to her wiping that smirk off his face. And then her falling int a fire pit and being horribly mutilated for life. Just for fun.
This show brings out the worst in me. I mean, I'm not a bad person most of the time.
William says: "I'm a 30 year old boy. I still have a lot to do." Double whammy kiss of death. Translation: "I will never take responsibility/do the dishes. I will cheat on you and hide it poorly."
And then she burns the rose.
Cocktail party time. Wait, there's fucking 30 minutes left? Jesus. What the hell am I going to have to put up with for 30 minutes?
Oh, 30 minute low self esteem pity party. She's even questioning JP. YOU ATE HIS FACE OFF LAST EPISODE.
Jesus fuck it's all about Bentley. That's ten minutes of my life I won't get back. Well, I guess the whole show is like that.
Imagine if I ran for an extra two hours every week instead of watching this? Or cleaned my house? Or read comic books? But no, instead I waste two hours of my life every week on this crap. I should be more ashamed than I am.
Nick goes home. He's a personal trainer, but his hair is awesome, so I don't care.
(Okay, William was pretty funny in the bonus clip during the credits. I'll give him that)
Quick, before this week's episode airs on the west coast and I go on a Bentley induced rampage, what did you think of last week's episode??